When you read my blogs, please know that I am no better and speak of myself as well.
In self examination a couple years ago, I found much left wanting in my life. I was saddened by my position and felt that I was not doing any where near enough. (whatever “enough” means) I felt that I had far too much sin in my life. Knowing that even one sin was too much. I was in a disagreement with my wife, unbeknownst to her, and was storing bitterness. I was spending too much time on the computer and not enough time with my family or in ministry to others. I was self indulging and becoming lazy whilst judging others for their laziness. I sought bigger and better possessions while judging those with great ownership in this world. “Oh you hypocrite!! How dare you present yourself before the Lord as a child of God!?”, I yell to myself. I saw all these things and more in me and knew that I was blind to a great deal more that the Lord could see. I was ashamed of myself and felt like hiding as if I was Adam in the garden of Eden. I kept careful eye to not add to my sins the sin of guilt, which I knew Satan was intending on dropping off on my back. I came before the Lord, quite humbled by the dissatisfaction in seeing how sinful I was. It was not my usual tone of prayer by any means. I confessed my inadequacy. I confessed my faults. I begged and pleaded that I should be delivered that I would no longer ask for more blood of my Savior. It has been poured out and yet I continue reaching up to squeeze just one more drop from His robe and thus nullify any belief that His death was enough. Hebrews talks about this and tells me of a fearful expectation of hell fire and I am filled with fear. I have sobbed at His feet, fearful and expectant of the punishment I deserve. And as I look on it with hindsight, I see something that I didn’t see before.
Not only was my self hatred not asked for of the Lord, but rather it was senth of Satan. Tricky devil. Satan had placed in me these feelings of inadequacy, and I allowed him to do so. He had clothed my eyes in the lie that the gap was no longer bridged by the cross. How could I have been so blind to the truth? When Jesus died on that wooden cross, He took my sin of past, present, and future. Now, don’t mis understand me. Being upset and recognizing your sins is not a bad thing. It is when you take that feeling and carry it as your focus that you have insulted God. You have at that point told Him that the death of His Son simply wasn’t good enough for you. You have admitted to God that you believe His word to be a lie because you have showed Him that you believe it is only by your own works that you deserve the right to come before Him. The Bible tells us differently. Don’t let the devil fool you. God has said that Jesus’ blood was enough for you. God has said that you are adopted at this belief. God has said that you are forgiven at repentance. He has told you that He knows you will make mistakes and that He loves you anyway. He has told you not only that you can come to Him, but also that He wants you to. He doesn’t just want recognition, He wants a relationship. A closeness that only occurs if you stay connected. Satan tried to disconnect me from that relationship by convincing me that my God wasn’t who I knew Him to be. But I am reminded and I am floored at the thought that the all powerful God of creation has allowed the created to exist and offered salvation freely for all who would recognize this sacrifice made. I am touched deeply by a hand not my own and am filled with a joy undescribable as the realization brings light into every darkness in me. The hidden is made plainly seen and Satan’s plan is destroyed by the truths in scripture (the sword of the Spirit). It is no longer sin of my own, but it has been taken from me that I might (despite the thorns) lift my head up and smile that my God’s grace is sufficient. I smile and in confussion shed tears as I know my sin is great but am told that I am accepted and that there is nothing and no one that can take that from me. The sins that Satan has placed as strongholds will be removed in time. My past is proof. God’s word is proof. As I look back at who I was without Christ and examine again who I am now in comparison, I can see that it was no lie that He has begun a great work in me. What reason would I have to believe that He would not continue that work? He has washed me. He is now molding me, making continuous changes to fulfill His purpose. I am happy to be in His hands and I do not need to feel a failure. I will stumble at times, but it is not of my self that I will succeed in His will. It is by His power; His Spirit working mightily through me that my failures seize. Remind myself time and time again from this point on, “not of myself, but of God. Not my good works, but His working through me. Not my yoke, but His. His burden is light. Satan!!! You are a liar!! You have been called out and can be seen plainly!! Your attack is failed. Get thee behind me!! I live in Jesus Christ, by whose name you are commanded, ‘leave!!”
